Intro

When Amber and Jason Grant sat down with me on the podcast, we were barely five minutes in before I said something I've said to a lot of families — but rarely out loud.

"The divorce rate for parents of children with significant special needs is 87%. The fact that you two are still standing — that's not just a marriage. That's a testimony."

They've been married 26 years. They have two sons with significant special needs. Luke, 24, has autism, epilepsy, and an autoimmune condition. Maddie, 19, has cerebral palsy, and at age 10 suffered a spinal cord injury during surgery that changed the level of care he required overnight.

And they are still standing. Still mountain biking together on weekends. Still choosing each other on the hard days. Still calling each other best friends.

I needed to know how.

Why the Divorce Rate Is So High

The 87% statistic doesn't surprise anyone who has lived inside a special needs family. The pressures that come with raising a child with significant disabilities are unlike anything most couples are prepared for when they say their vows.

• The financial strain — therapies, medical equipment, home modifications, lost income from caregiving

• The sleep deprivation — which research consistently links to conflict, emotional dysregulation, and relationship breakdown

• The isolation — special needs families describe a loneliness that even close friends can't fully reach

• The grief — ongoing, complicated, cyclical grief for the life your child won't have and the life you imagined

• The invisible load imbalance — often one partner absorbs the majority of the caregiving and advocacy work

• The lack of shared community — you can't explain your life to people who aren't living it

  
  

Amber said something on the episode that I haven't been able to stop thinking about: "There's no report card. No pat on the back. No review. No promotion. Just get up and do it again tomorrow." That's what caregiving looks like. And doing that alongside another person, sustainably, for decades — it takes intention that most people don't have the bandwidth to apply.

What Actually Kept Them Together

Amber and Jason didn't describe a marriage that was easy. They described a marriage that was worked for — hard, consistently, and with a lot of failure along the way.

A few things they named that I think every special needs couple needs to hear:

"The best way I can take care of my kids is by taking care of her." — Jason Grant

Jason said this simply and without elaboration. He knew his role wasn't to out-research Amber or out-advocate for the boys. His role was to protect the person who was doing all of that so she could keep doing it. That clarity — and the way he built his daily choices around it — is not small.

Amber talked about faith. Not the version of faith that promises easy answers, but the kind that shows up in the middle of catastrophic news at a 30-week ultrasound appointment and says: "You have no idea what's ahead. So get up."

She talked about grief being worse now than it was when the boys were young — not because things have gotten harder, but because as they've gotten older, the gap between their lives and their peers' lives has widened. Watching friends' children graduate, get married, have children — and knowing those milestones aren't coming for your family — is its own ongoing loss.

And she talked about the importance of having a space where they didn't have to explain themselves. Where they could put down the advocacy and the caregiving and the medical management for a moment and just be two people who chose each other.

What This Means for Your Marriage

If you are in a relationship while raising a child with IDD, I want to say something directly: you are not failing if this is hard. You are not weak if you have needed help. And you are not alone if you have wondered whether you will make it.

The 87% statistic isn't a verdict. It's a warning. And warnings exist so that we can do something with them.

A few things that Amber and Jason's story taught me:

• Name the grief: the ongoing, cycling grief that special needs parents carry is real, and it doesn't go away. Give it a name. Give it space. Talk about it.

• Find community that gets it: isolation is one of the marriage killers in special needs families. Other families who are living this don't need explanations. Find them.

• Protect the marriage like you protect your child's care plan: with intention, with regular attention, and with the understanding that it cannot run on autopilot

• Let your partner grieve differently than you do: Amber talked about feeling relieved when Jason's grief finally came out. Men often process differently, on a delay, in ways that can look like absence. It's often not.

• Decide that the other person is worth it: not on the days it's easy, but on the days when everything is hard and you are both running on empty

26 years. Two sons. An 87% divorce rate. Amber and Jason are not lucky. They are deliberate. And their marriage is proof that deliberate love can outlast nearly anything.

🎧 Listen to Episode 06: "The Challenges No One Prepares You For" — Amber and Jason Grant in conversation with Michelle Short on Love Without Rest.